Friday, September 18, 2009

A Sports Cynic’s Preview: The NFL

Well, since the season has already started and the Week 1 Headlines are already worn out… It’s about time for a preview right? Sorry, I’m known for procrastinating, get used to it, I am. I’ll make this quick, because I’m writing it at work and don’t feel like being punished for writing a really crappy preview anyway.

We’ll take it division by division, some I know a lot about, others… I’ll probably just make stuff up.

1. New England Patriots
2. New York Jets
3. Miami Dolphins
4. Buffalo Bills
Brady’s back and that pretty much sums up this division. It’s the Pats’ to lose, I just don’t think any of the other teams are strong enough to take it away from them. Golden boy Mark Sanchez could pull off something ridiculous and win the division for the Jets, which would send the New York media and ESPN into such a love-fest I might actually forgive him for going to USC.
1. Pittsburgh Steelers
2. Baltimore Ravens*(WC)
3. Cincinnati Bengals
4. Cleveland Browns
This one is going to be even worse than the East. Big Ben and the Steelers have no competition here, really. This leads to me having to hear Pittsburgh fans rallying for title number seven for 6 months (I live in Central PA, I get both sides unfortunately). I’ve read stuff about Carson Palmer being back to form, and OchoCinco not sucking this year… I’ll believe it when I see it. And Flacco’s cute and all… but he’s not Ben.
1. Indianapolis Colts
2. Houston Texans*(WC)

3. Tennessee Titans
4. Jacksonville Jaguars
Little bit of a shocker here, I know. I just don’t see Kerry Collins pulling off what he did last year, love him or not, he’s kinda old!! Peyton will need to be great this year with the new coach and a little different personnel… I believe he will. Some think Houston is still one year away, I’m going out on a limb and thinking they can pull it off this year (I’m gonna read this in 6 weeks and think I was retarded, just to let you know)
1. San Diego Chargers
2. Denver Broncos
3. Oakland Raiders
4. Kansas City Chiefs
Rivers and the Chargers are the best team here. I think the Broncos will be better than most people do, Cutler couldn’t cut it, maybe Kyle Orton can. I’m not sure Matt Cassel will produce like he did last year, and he alone certainly cannot save the Chiefs. But good news people, Oakland will still be bad! I knew you were worried.

1. New York Giants
2. Dallas Cowboys*(WC)
3. Philadelphia Eagles
4. Washington Redskins
Plaxico Burress and Eli Manning will continue to be one of the most dangerous threats in profess…. Oh, he shot himself? Uhm… Eli will have to be pretty good with the loss of Burress, but guess what, he will be, young receivers aside. Dallas is going to bounce back with the departure of T.O. and Jessica Simpson and the addition of 80 yards of 1080p. Vick, is well, playing again, and looks to stay out of Andy Reid’s doghouse to get some playing time… Bad joke? Too soon?
1. Minnesota Vikings
2. Green Bay Packers*(WC)
3. Chicago Bears
4. Detroit Lions
BRETT FAVRE!!! BRETT FAVRE!!! BRETT FAVRE!!! Ok, seriously, this division may actually turn out to be a really good one. His Wrangler-ness only really needs to hand off the ball to Peterson. Aaron Rodgers and the Pack are gonna have a hell of a year. Cutler, could be great, I think he’ll just be good, maybe cry a bit. And PREDICTION OF THE YEAR… the Lions might win one game!
1. Atlanta Falcons
2. New Orleans Saints
3. Carolina Panthers
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Another dece division here. Matt Ryan is the real deal, and could lead this Falcons team to a division title. Drew Brees is ridiculous and makes fantasy owners change their pants after every Sunday. The Bucs are on the rise, and well Delhomme may actually not be that great. But Tony Gonzalez is in Atlanta now!! Welcome back to 2002 ATL!
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. San Francisco 49ers
3. Arizona Cardinals
4. St. Louis Rams
Yeah, the dream is over for the Cards. Yes, Fitz is still good, he’s not God though, and Warner is old… this is becoming a theme in this post, being old. Seattle gets back to form and plays better than last year. The ‘Niners make kids from the mid-90’s happy again and the Rams… well they don’t make many people happy anymore.

And now my incompetent playoff predictions that I feel compelled to do just so I can come back and laugh…
Wild Card Round-
Colts def. Ravens
Chargers def. Texans
NFC- Packers def. Falcons
Cowboys def. Seahawks
Divisional Round-
Patriots def. Colts
Steelers def. Chargers
NFC- Giants def. Packers
Cowboys def. Vikings
Conference Championships
Patriots def. Steelers
NFC- Giants def. Cowboys
Super Bowl XXLIV
Patriots def. Giants

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